


The Silence Is What Kills Me

by thorkified



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealousy, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:23:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15214070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: Thor didn't think when he took the pretty black-haired girl home with him after celebrating his 18th birthday, at the time it had felt like the right thing to do. When they are suddenly interrupted, however, by none other than his brother Loki, Thor realizes he made a huge mistake.He wants to apologize, but Loki completely avoids and ignores him, to the point it feels like Thor doesn't exist in his brother's world anymore. That is, until Thor gets severely injured and things change drastically for both brothers.





	The Silence Is What Kills Me

Loki is five and Thor is nine when Loki steals Thor’s first kiss. He giggles when Thor asks what he's doing, the sweetest and most innocent smile on his face when he explains: “Mommy says you kiss the ones you love.” Thor can't help but smile back at his brother with happiness.

Loki is seven and Thor is eleven when Loki tumbles and falls while running towards his big brother, cutting his knee open. Thor drops what he's doing and scurries towards Loki, picking him up as he screams in pain. He won't calm down no matter what Thor does, so eventually, he kisses his little brothers nose carefully. Loki stops crying and looks at him with big eyes and Thor smiles warmly. “It's okay, I got you,” he says.

Loki is nine and Thor is thirteen when Thor has his first girlfriend and Loki doesn't like it. They are not together for long, Thor never finds out why, but it puts a damper on his interest in girls for a while. One evening, when Thor muses about what he did wrong, Loki suddenly sits down next to him and leans forward to kiss his cheek. “Don't worry, you'll always have me, brother,” he says.

Loki is eleven and Thor is fifteen when Thor finds a single red rose in front of his room one morning. Only the rose, nothing more. He picks it up and admires its beauty, smiling gently. Standing on his nightstand in a vase with water, the rose stays the way it is for weeks and Thor knows where it came from. There's only one person who would do such magic tricks. Every time he looks at the rose he can't help but feel warm inside.

Loki is twelve and Thor is sixteen when they sit in Thor's room one night, discussing what they will do during the summer, when Loki suddenly falls silent and Thor asks him if something is wrong.

“I think I love you, brother,” Loki mumbles, without looking up, and Thor gives him a confused look.

“I would be sad if you didn't,” he says, not quite sure why Loki looks so distressed.

“No, I mean…” Loki sighs and then shakes his head. “Forget it, it's fine. I think I will go to bed now, good night.”

Thor has no time to answer before Loki practically runs out of his room, but he thinks about this moment a lot. He just doesn't understand. Loki's words don't leave with him. They stay with Thor for a long, long time.

Loki is fourteen and Thor eighteen when Thor finally realizes what Loki meant with his words. And his realization comes with a price he is not ready to pay and never expected. He doesn't know how he will ever be able to make up for any of this...

\-----

Thor celebrates that he turned eighteen with his friends, gets drunk and then there's this girl that suddenly starts flirting with him. She has long, black hair that falls over her shoulders, a laugh that's as clear as the night and eyes so green it's like Thor looks into a forest. He can't resist, he doesn't even think much. He's drunk like them all and for some reason looking at the girl makes his chest feel warm, so eventually, Thor takes her home.

They are in Thor's bed, the girl riding Thor with her head thrown back and her hair flowing almost all the way down her back, when the door suddenly opens. Thor jolts up and, out of everyone possible, Loki stands there.

The girl turns her head, still on top of Thor and a cocky smile on her lips. "What's wrong little boy, didn't you learn how to knock?" she asks.

Loki ignores her, doesn't even look at her. He only looks at Thor and the way he does sends shivers of pure ice down his brother's spine. His face is like a mask, unmoving, expressionless. Thor has never seen him like this. And his eyes… they are not green anymore, at least they don't look like it. Thor doesn't know if it's his drunk mind making things up or not, but Loki's eyes turned into a dark crimson red. And Thor suddenly feels very, very cold.

“Loki, I…”

Loki squints his eyes and all words are gone from Thor's mind. He gives him one last glare before turning around and walking out of the room.

“What a child!” the girl laughs and suddenly nothing about her laugh is attractive anymore.

Thor pushes her off without a word, almost brutal, and jumps off the bed. He wraps his sheets around his hips and rushes out of the room, hoping to find Loki outside to explain or apologize or whatever, but the hallway is empty.

When Thor comes back the girl is angry at him but he doesn't care. She starts yelling and Thor shuts her up with a single glare.

"Out." He says.

"What?"

"I said: _out_! Get your dress and leave, we are done."

She is furious and tries to punch Thor, but he easily catches her hand mid air and shakes his head.

“Don't even think about it. I don't hit women, but I'm not in the mood to be nice right now. Just go."

After a long, estimating glare, the girl huffs, calls him a bastard, and finally leaves.

Only then Thor allows himself to sit down and think about what had just happened. He has never seen this look on Loki's face, this complete blank and almost dead expression. His eyes… did he imagine that they turned red? Did it really happen? He doesn't know, the only thing he knows is that he fucked up gloriously this time and he has no idea how he will ever be able to make up for this again.

\-----

Thor knows that Loki often gets angry or jealous, but he is used to that. He's used to Loki yelling, throwing things, punching him, stabbing him - all this Thor can deal with, all this he can handle and when it's all over they always hug and everything is okay again. It's how things have always been, it's how he hopes they will always be, but the next day, Thor realizes that this is a situation unlike any other.

As soon as he gets up he goes to look for his brother. He knows Loki is mad at him, even if he still can't wrap his mind around the reason, and he wants to apologize - needs to because the worst thing for Thor has and will always be if Loki is mad at him for whatever reason.

He searches in Loki's room, but it's empty. So are the gardens, the library and the stables - wherever he looks for his brother he finds nothing. When it's dinner time and he enters the hall, he finally finds Loki and walks over to him. And the _second_ he comes closer than five feet Loki suddenly stands up, excuses himself to their parents and leaves without a single look at his brother. Thor is completely thunderstruck.

The weeks that follow are the worst in Thor’s young life. With each passing day his hope of being able to make this up to Loki somehow shrinks and he is completely helpless to it. Loki avoids him so obviously and thoroughly that it breaks his heart. Whenever he enters a room Loki is in he will leave without a word, without even looking at him. He eats alone in his room, he isolates himself from everyone but their mother, he stops coming to watch Thor during his trainings as he always did.

Suddenly, it’s like Thor has become invisible for his brother. It’s like no matter what he tries, he is trapped inside a different dimension - seeing Loki, being able to speak to him, but never getting a reaction, no matter how hard he tries. He tries to explain himself, to apologize, but it’s like Loki doesn’t even hear him and eventually, Thor stops trying.

Without Loki, however, Thor’s spirit and his will to live diminish more and more each passing day. He realizes just how much he took his brother for granted and now that he is not constantly around anymore, everything becomes so… bland. Useless, even. He misses Loki, more than he wants to admit to himself. He misses his witty remarks, his amused smile when he does something dumb, even his presence itself. It’s like a shadow has fallen over his life and nothing he does is able to lift it in any way. Without Loki, the world is gray and meaningless, and it takes the loss of his brother to finally realize all of this.

Eventually, Thor starts to slack in his training too, which has always been one of his few true outlets. With everything that is going on and knowing Loki most certainly hates him at this point, Thor becomes unconcentrated and lacks finesse and one day, this leads to something much more serious than he expected.

Thor doesn’t pay attention, as he occasionally does these days with everything going on in his head, and he fails to block a fatal attack from his trainer. He tries as soon as he realizes what is going on, but his efforts are useless. The sword drills through his shoulder and he screams out in pain, so loud he is sure even the people in Midgard heard him.

The wound is not lethal, thank the Norns because Thor turned his body in just the last moment for the sword to miss his heart, but it wounds him severely. The healers are called, Thor is rushed to the infirmary wing of the palace, but he barely notices any of this. Something strange is going on and he doesn’t know if it’s the blood loss or the utter guilt he feels, but it doesn’t matter. He feels light and sleepy, not at all scared as he should have been. No, he is calm and when he closes his eyes it feels like the right thing to do.

\---

Coincidentally or not, Frigga and Loki are in the same corridor the moment the healers sprint past with the unconscious Thor on the stretcher. Frigga is worried, but that’s nothing to what is suddenly going on inside of Loki. The boy is terrified to the very core of his existence. The healers assure Frigga they will do anything in their power to help Thor, but it’s clear she is still scared when she promises to visit her son when they deem it possible. Meanwhile, Mother and son leave to continue Loki’s magic training, but there is nothing good coming out of this that day.

No matter how hard he tries, Loki cannot concentrate. Frigga wants to teach him healing spells, but there is nothing coming from her son that day but frustrated sighs. He just can’t do it, no matter how much he tries. Eventually, Frigga dismisses him and suggests they try another day, but Loki is far less optimistic than his mother. His mind won’t stop bringing back this image of Thor on the stretcher, pale and lifeless and with all that blood. Oh God, the blood, Loki can barely breathe when he thinks about it. It was everywhere…

The healers inform him that they are still trying to save his brother’s life, so as much as he hates it, Loki retreats to his room for the rest of the day. In the evening, hoping his mother might know more about Thor’s state than he does, he walks up to his parent’s chamber for answers. The moment he raises his hand to knock, however, the angry voice of his father makes him stop dead in his motions.

“It’s his fault and you know it!” Odin says harshly, his voice like a knife cutting through the air.

“Don’t say that!” Frigga says, less angry, but utterly sad. “I was with him for the whole day, he did nothing! This isn’t one of Loki’s jests.”

“He did _something_ ,” Odin insists and Loki presses his ear against the door to not miss a thing. He can’t even breathe, just holds his breath because he has to know what Odin will say next. “Thor has been acting strange for weeks now, this is only the most recent incident! He could have died, do you realize that?”

“Yes, I do,” Frigga answers, sounding almost ashamed. “But it’s not Loki’s fault. He didn’t even _see_ Thor much these past weeks, he was almost always by himself or with me.”

Odin stays silent for a moment, but Loki heard enough. He turns around and leaves, his heart heavy in his chest and the guilt weighing so much on him that every breath feels like a fight he barely wins. Is Odin right? Is it his fault that Thor got injured? Loki doesn’t want to believe it, he knows Odin doesn’t particularly favor him, but he still can’t shake the thought of being responsible for his brother’s state off.

That night Loki wants nothing more than to stay in his room for dinner, but he know he can’t do that. So he goes and almost immediately he is bombarded with questions.

“Did you and your brother argue?” “Did you fight?” “Did something happen between you?” “Did you curse him?” “Did Thor say anything to you before this happened?” “Did you avoid him over the last weeks because you fought?”

With every question, Loki feels the need to shout ‘No!’ but he cannot get a word out until eventually, it all gets too much and he runs off. Frigga comes to him a while after and he lets her in without really wanting to. She sits down on his bed, takes one of her son’s hands and asks softly: “Loki, did you and our brother fight in any way before this happened?”

Loki looks up at her with sad eyes, shaking his head. “We didn’t fight, I promise, mother…”

It convinces her, even if it doesn’t convince Loki. He knows, even if they didn’t fight, the situation his brother is in right now is his fault and his alone. She leaves after assuring Loki Thor will recover, but her words don’t manage to soothe him in an way.

Deep down, Loki knows it’s his fault all of this happened. And he hates himself for it. Hurting Thor was never what he wanted, it’s the last thing he wants. And now everything is so horrible and hurts and he just wants to be held by the one person that cannot do it…

\-----

After their parents went to bed, Loki sneaks into the infirmary wing, to see his brother. Thor is asleep, which kind of helps Loki to step up to his bed and actually stay, instead of running away as he so desperately wants to. Thor is so pale and his chest is bandaged where the sword had hit him hard, that Loki is close to tears. Thor could have died, Odin said, and seeing him like this… Loki believes it without further proof.

"I'm sorry, Thor," he says quietly, a hand hovering over his brother's, but he is too scared to actually touch him. "It's my fault this happened, it's all my fault..."

Loki finally brushes his fingers over Thor's hand and then pulls back, unsure if he should or not. But Thor is asleep, he can see and hear it, so maybe... maybe he can finally say what he wants to say for so long now, without having to face Thor's judging eyes and seeing the disgust in them.

"I didn't want you to get hurt," Loki sighs and lays his hand on Thor's finally, fingers carefully shoving between his brother’s. "I just... I couldn't be near you, I'm sorry... When I saw you with that girl I was horrified, it just hurt so much deep in here." He points at his chest and shakes his head, closing his eyes. "It's stupid, I know, but I couldn't stand it. I tried to tell you before, but I got scared and I'm _still_ scared... it's not right and you'll hate me, I know that but... I _really_ love you. Not the way I should love my brother, not even close..."

Loki looks at Thor for a long moment, waiting for a reaction, for anything, but of course Thor just lays still and he swallows down his tears. "I won't get in your way anymore, I promise. Even if it hurts, I don't want you to suffer because of something that's not your fault. I won't ignore you anymore, brother. Not if this is the result. I'll smile again for you, I'll talk to you again, anything, just please recover... please, Thor, _please_... I'm so sorry..." He can't hold back his tears anymore and squeezes Thor's hand for a moment before turning to leave, but then he realizes he can't.

Loki’s hand is stuck and when he turns around again he realizes that it's not because of him. His eyes widen as he slowly looks up at his brother, meeting sad, blue eyes and his throat tightens so much he can barely breathe anymore.

"I missed your voice," Thor says quietly and Loki can't prevent his lips from jerking slightly. "I didn't know how much I hurt you, I'm sorry..."  
  
"No, it's my fault, I..." Loki's voice fades away and he looks back down at their hands. How long did he wish Thor would hold his hand like this? Two years? Three? He doesn't know anymore. He only wishes it wouldn't be the only time.  
  
"How long?" Thor suddenly asks and Loki's head jerks up, his face flushing red.  
  
"What?" He gasps.  
  
"How long do you feel like this?" Thor asks. Quiet. Sincere. Loki's heart beats in his throat, preventing him from saying anything.

"Too long," Loki finally whispers ashamed and looks back down. He doesn't want to see the last bit of love disappear in Thor's eyes when he realizes how much of an awful brother he truly is. He braces himself for anything, no matter how much it will hurt.  
  
"How often did I hurt you like this without realizing it?"  
  
"You..." Loki looks up, completely confused. "Why are you asking me that?"  
  
"To know how long I've been blind," Thor says and sighs. "I thought a lot about us the last weeks, Loki... and I noticed something strange."  
  
"About me?" Loki asks, furrowing his brows. But Thor shakes his head.  
  
"About my girlfriends. Or just... any woman I have ever been attracted to."  
  
Loki gulps. "And what... what did you notice?"  
  
"They are all _you_."

"Me?" Loki asks after a long pause. He doesn't understand what Thor is talking about. "Brother, you must have hit your head! I'm not-"  
  
"They all looked like _you_ ," Thor interrupts him, looking at the ceiling. "They all reminded me of _you_ , from the first to the last."  
  
Loki is baffled and can't find anything to say to this. He just stares at his brother in complete disbelief.  
  
"It's so clear now, I have no idea how I missed it before..." Thor laughs.

"Even if they are..." Loki finally says with a heavy voice. "It doesn't matter... I overreacted, I acted like the dumb kid that I am and you... you don't have to justify anything you do to me."  
  
"I thought you’d hate me, Loki," Thor says, turning his head back around to look at his brother. His smile faded away. "I feel so dumb for not seeing the truth and for hurting you like that."

Loki still doesn’t know what to say. He can only look at Thor, fighting with all he has to not break down crying in front of his brother. Thor’s words are the sweetest and most painful ones he ever heard just the same and they render him completely speechless.

"Come here, please," Thor suddenly says and Loki does it without asking why. He kneels down next to Thor's bed, looking up at him. he doesn’t even question his actions.

For a moment Thor just looks at him, looks at his sweet and innocent and absolutely perfect brother and it breaks his heart how much pain he caused him without seeing it.  
  
"What is it?" Loki asks when Thor won't speak and his brother smiles warmly at him.  
  
"Do you remember that you're the first one I ever kissed? Or better, that kissed _me_ ?"  
  
Loki's cheeks get a hint of red again and he clearly tries to remember what Thor is talking about, but he can't.  
  
"I asked you what you were doing and you told me that mother said you kiss the people you love."

"I... I did?" Loki asks, blushing more intense now. Thor still smiles at him and suddenly his hand lays on Loki's cheek, strong fingers incredibly warm and gentle against his skin.  
  
"You did," he smiles warmly. "You stole my first kiss and I couldn't be mad at you. And I want you to steal my last one too."

Loki doesn't know what to say. Is this a dream? Some kind of cruel joke? Did Thor really just say that and does it mean what he so desperately hopes it means?  
  
"I never want to hurt you again, Loki," Thor says and leans down, resting his forehead against his brother's for a moment, before pulling back. Some streaks of his long blond hair fall into his face and tickle Loki's nose, making him giggle slightly. "I'm sorry for all those times I didn't see the truth, brother."  
  
"Thor..." Loki whispers, his free hand slowly moving up to cover his brother's. "You don't have to apologize... I know it's not right, it's my fault this happened, not yours."  
  
"No, it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, it's how you feel and I didn't think like the big oaf you always say I am."

Loki smirks, but he doesn't think like this about Thor, not at all. Even if he keeps calling him that.  
  
"It's okay, really," he eventually says, looking into Thor's eyes. "I don't expect you to do anything, I know I'm just a dumb kid and you don't have to force yourself to say or do anything just because of me."  
  
"You're not a dumb kid, Loki," Thor says, shaking his head slightly. "You're my sweet and perfect little brother and I would burn all the nine realms down for you if I had to. You are the only one that matters to me, Loki. You and no one else and I will never forgive myself for making you believe it could ever be any different."

For a moment they just look at each other and Loki fights with the tears that build up in his eyes. Then, Thor suddenly tilts his head and his lips brush over Loki's and then just… stay there. Loki hesitates for only a split second in which he tries to reason with himself, before sealing their lips and doing what he desires so much.  
  
Loki wished for this moment for so long, it's overwhelming to feel Thor like this after all this time. He pushes himself up on his knees for a more comfortable angle and closes his eyes, determined to make this the best and most memorable kiss in his life in case it will be his last. Thor tastes so amazing, his lips fit against his own so perfectly - as if they were made to kiss him.  
  
Thor's hands slowly wrap around his brother's waist and hold him tight against his chest. It's a deep and long kiss, but at the same time so utterly careful and gentle that he doesn't want it to end. When they are finally forced to part to get some air, Loki is scared to open his eyes. Thor still holds him, he didn't let go, but Loki knows if there is only the slightest hint of disappointment in his brother's eyes, his heart will break into a million of pieces.  
  
"Can you ever forgive me, brother?" Thor asks quietly, his words painful and relieving at the same time for Loki. "For ever making you think I wouldn't love you and for not realizing just how much I truly do?"  
  
"I don't have to forgive you," Loki says, slowly opening his eyes and smirking. "Because there is nothing to forgive. I know we can never be what I wish for, but that's not your fault. I will accept that it won't happen and I won't treat you this cold anymore. I will smile again if it makes you happy, no matter how much it hurts. I will always smile for you, Thor."

"Don't smile to make me happy," Thor says and cups Loki's face gently. "Smile because you _are_ happy. Smile because I will never again hurt you and because I will give you everything you wish for. That's the smile I want to see on your pretty face."  
  
"But... Thor, you can't... _we_ can't... it's forbidden..."  
  
"We can and we _will_ ," Thor assures him and kisses Loki again; a short, sweet kiss to underline his words. "I will never give you back again, I will never hurt you again, no matter what."

Loki is speechless. This is all he ever wanted, all he never dared to hope for and there is no doubt in his brother's words, not a hint of hesitation or worry. They both know how much trouble they will get themselves into and how gruesome the punishment will be if anyone ever finds out, but Thor doesn't care about any of this.  
  
"Please, Loki... I don't want to see you cry anymore and I can't live with the thought of ever hurting you like this ever again."  
  
"Thor..."  
  
"I love you, more than anything or anyone else in this world. Would you give me a chance to prove it to you?"  
  
"Yes," Loki sniffs and throws himself forward into his brother's arms. He doesn't want anything else, doesn't want anyone else to ever kiss or touch him or hold him like this. Only his brother. For now until the very end.

  



End file.
